So I constantly start out a blog post saying, “Wow, it’s been a long time!” and to be perfectly honest the period of time between now and the last time I posted is substantially less than any of my previous absences, but alas, I still find it necessary to introduce this post with an apology to all of my long time listener, first time readers… I am sorry it’s been so long!
As I took a deep introspective look today I found something rather abnormal about me… I am addicted to being addicted. I find that for some reason my tendency is to find one thing and put everything I’ve got into that one thing. Whether my one thing be to love or to hate, to be secure or insecure, or to simply be happy or sad, I find that I am absolutely confined to that one addiction. I find that the only time I am content is when I have one thing (often times a person) to put my all in to. I think this is a problem.
I cleaned out my car today at my mom’s house and who happened to be there but my long lost father. As I cleaned, my dad noticed that my door was not opening all the way and decided, without any kind of question or hesitation, to fix it for me. My dad has been sober 15 days now.
For as long as I can remember my dad has not helped me with anything, and for this reason I am an extremely independent person (sometimes to the detriment of my well being and that of the people in my closest relationships) but also for as long as I can remember I have wanted nothing more than for my dad to just be there. That dream was fulfilled tonight.
Today I realized that as good as it is that my father is choosing to turn his life around, I am somewhat opposed to this idea. I wish that things could just remain the same as they always have been, but am keenly aware of the fact that this would not be the best situation for my dad or any of the people that his life affects. I wish I wouldn’t have to try and trust again. I wish that he wouldn’t ask me to do such a thing. I wish that I could forgive him… But it’s so damn hard!
I am addicted to this bitterness that dwells within my very being, and as my life is passing me by with nothing more to show than broken relationships for my pain, I have nothing left to choose than to forgive my father. If I were completely honest I would tell you that I am scared to death that I will be let down again. I don’t know if I have enough left in me to have faith that this will work out.
The truth is that nothing is ever going to turn out the way I expect it will. I just need to ask myself… Am I willing, not to have faith that this will work out, but to have enough hope that my father will be able to do what is best for himself. Because after all that I have been through, this has never been about me; I need to have faith for my dad. If I truly loved him, I would hope that he finds peace in being a person that he is proud of… A person that I am proud to call my father.