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Addicted to being addicted.

So I constantly start out a blog post saying, “Wow, it’s been a long time!” and to be perfectly honest the period of time between now and the last time I posted is substantially less than any of my previous absences, but alas, I still find it necessary to introduce this post with an apology to all of my long time listener, first time readers… I am sorry it’s been so long!

As I took a deep introspective look today I found something rather abnormal about me… I am addicted to being addicted. I find that for some reason my tendency is to find one thing and put everything I’ve got into that one thing. Whether my one thing be to love or to hate, to be secure or insecure, or to simply be happy or sad, I find that I am absolutely confined to that one addiction. I find that the only time I am content is when I have one thing (often times a person) to put my all in to. I think this is a problem.

I cleaned out my car today at my mom’s house and who happened to be there but my long lost father. As I cleaned, my dad noticed that my door was not opening all the way and decided, without any kind of question or hesitation, to fix it for me. My dad has been sober 15 days now.

For as long as I can remember my dad has not helped me with anything, and for this reason I am an extremely independent person (sometimes to the detriment of my well being and that of the people in my closest relationships) but also for as long as I can remember I have wanted nothing more than for my dad to just be there. That dream was fulfilled tonight.

Today I realized that as good as it is that my father is choosing to turn his life around, I am somewhat opposed to this idea. I wish that things could just remain the same as they always have been, but am keenly aware of the fact that this would not be the best situation for my dad or any of the people that his life affects. I wish I wouldn’t have to try and trust again. I wish that he wouldn’t ask me to do such a thing. I wish that I could forgive him… But it’s so damn hard!

I am addicted to this bitterness that dwells within my very being, and as my life is passing me by with nothing more to show than broken relationships for my pain, I have nothing left to choose than to forgive my father. If I were completely honest I would tell you that I am scared to death that I will be let down again. I don’t know if I have enough left in me to have faith that this will work out.

The truth is that nothing is ever going to turn out the way I expect it will. I just need to ask myself… Am I willing, not to have faith that this will work out, but to have enough hope that my father will be able to do what is best for himself. Because after all that I have been through, this has never been about me; I need to have faith for my dad. If I truly loved him, I would hope that he finds peace in being a person that he is proud of… A person that I am proud to call my father.

A Bit Nervous

I have decided to upgrade to a 320GB hard drive… Okay, so I actually made the decision when I purchased my Macbook; Apple offered an upgrade to a 250GB hard drive for about a hundred dollars, while If I purchased a hard drive from another source I could upgrade to 320GB for about the same price. The only downfall is that I will have to do the install myself. It shouldn’t be too difficult, but I’m nervous none the less!

Update 2:32 AM: Success!

Oh You Thought I Was Serious?

Ok so i totally plan on posting more often (I really do) but since I just spent a butt load of money on the macbook I have yet to buy a wireless router (so basically I’m trying to get Internet from my neighbors… Two houses away!) Needless to say its a horrible connection… For some reason I have perfect connection on my iPod though.

Could i go to a wireless hotspot and blog from there, you may ask… Well sure. But then I wouldn’t be taking advantage of this excellent excuse to not blog. You see I am a very complicated being; I do love expressing my thoughts and feelings through my writings but what do I love more? Thats right… Procrastinating!!!

Yes I did, and it only took me twenty minutes to type this on my iPod!

It Been A While…

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Wow, I’m feeling a bit rusty considering it’s been well over two months since my last blog entry (I’m starting to notice a trend in my opening sentences) but I’m hoping to change the production of my posts to a far greater frequency. I just received my new computer (It’s a mac!) via the wonderful people at FedEx, and am feeling rather like I’ve been re-birthed into this world called the internet! For now I will leave you with the knowledge that inevitably you will be hearing from me soon and in the future hopefully with new info pertaining to the goings on of my life and maybe even a few new insights on life itself. Goodbye for now!

Re-Creation

So, over the next week I think I’m going to take a break from the modern world as much as possible (i.e. Internet, T.V., Books) really just any kind of outside influence, and take part in creating a, sort of, re-creational type of atmosphere.

I am going to attempt to take myself back to the basics of what I think and feel, and try to take an extremely deep introspective look at myself.

Since I am planning on trying to create an atmosphere of solitude it will probably end up being one of the busiest weeks of my life, but alas, how I handle that will probably just tell me something more about myself.

Anyway, since I will be taking a break from the internet, this means no blogging for the next week, but I shall see you again in the not so very near future, but not so far as to forget me. I wish you a fond farewell and C-ya later!