Addicted to being addicted.

So I constantly start out a blog post saying, “Wow, it’s been a long time!” and to be perfectly honest the period of time between now and the last time I posted is substantially less than any of my previous absences, but alas, I still find it necessary to introduce this post with an apology to all of my long time listener, first time readers… I am sorry it’s been so long!

As I took a deep introspective look today I found something rather abnormal about me… I am addicted to being addicted. I find that for some reason my tendency is to find one thing and put everything I’ve got into that one thing. Whether my one thing be to love or to hate, to be secure or insecure, or to simply be happy or sad, I find that I am absolutely confined to that one addiction. I find that the only time I am content is when I have one thing (often times a person) to put my all in to. I think this is a problem.

I cleaned out my car today at my mom’s house and who happened to be there but my long lost father. As I cleaned, my dad noticed that my door was not opening all the way and decided, without any kind of question or hesitation, to fix it for me. My dad has been sober 15 days now.

For as long as I can remember my dad has not helped me with anything, and for this reason I am an extremely independent person (sometimes to the detriment of my well being and that of the people in my closest relationships) but also for as long as I can remember I have wanted nothing more than for my dad to just be there. That dream was fulfilled tonight.

Today I realized that as good as it is that my father is choosing to turn his life around, I am somewhat opposed to this idea. I wish that things could just remain the same as they always have been, but am keenly aware of the fact that this would not be the best situation for my dad or any of the people that his life affects. I wish I wouldn’t have to try and trust again. I wish that he wouldn’t ask me to do such a thing. I wish that I could forgive him… But it’s so damn hard!

I am addicted to this bitterness that dwells within my very being, and as my life is passing me by with nothing more to show than broken relationships for my pain, I have nothing left to choose than to forgive my father. If I were completely honest I would tell you that I am scared to death that I will be let down again. I don’t know if I have enough left in me to have faith that this will work out.

The truth is that nothing is ever going to turn out the way I expect it will. I just need to ask myself… Am I willing, not to have faith that this will work out, but to have enough hope that my father will be able to do what is best for himself. Because after all that I have been through, this has never been about me; I need to have faith for my dad. If I truly loved him, I would hope that he finds peace in being a person that he is proud of… A person that I am proud to call my father.

A Bit Nervous

I have decided to upgrade to a 320GB hard drive… Okay, so I actually made the decision when I purchased my Macbook; Apple offered an upgrade to a 250GB hard drive for about a hundred dollars, while If I purchased a hard drive from another source I could upgrade to 320GB for about the same price. The only downfall is that I will have to do the install myself. It shouldn’t be too difficult, but I’m nervous none the less!

Update 2:32 AM: Success!

Friday Playlist…


Tattoo Who?

Alright so I dew this tattoo about six months ago and have wanted to get it ever since… Well, considering that for the last six months I’ve been seventeen, that’s been a problem. I haven’t as of yet gotten the tattoo, but today I made an appointment with Nick Wiggins of Mark Of Cain Tattoos in Champaign, for next Friday… One week from today! It’s my first tattoo and I gotta tell ya I’m psyched out of my mind about it!

I’ll keep you posted on how it turns out.

Click here for a picture of my awesome tat!

Oh You Thought I Was Serious?

Ok so i totally plan on posting more often (I really do) but since I just spent a butt load of money on the macbook I have yet to buy a wireless router (so basically I’m trying to get Internet from my neighbors… Two houses away!) Needless to say its a horrible connection… For some reason I have perfect connection on my iPod though.

Could i go to a wireless hotspot and blog from there, you may ask… Well sure. But then I wouldn’t be taking advantage of this excellent excuse to not blog. You see I am a very complicated being; I do love expressing my thoughts and feelings through my writings but what do I love more? Thats right… Procrastinating!!!

Yes I did, and it only took me twenty minutes to type this on my iPod!

It Been A While…

Wow, I’m feeling a bit rusty considering it’s been well over two months since my last blog entry (I’m starting to notice a trend in my opening sentences) but I’m hoping to change the production of my posts to a far greater frequency. I just received my new computer (It’s a mac!) via the wonderful people at FedEx, and am feeling rather like I’ve been re-birthed into this world called the internet! For now I will leave you with the knowledge that inevitably you will be hearing from me soon and in the future hopefully with new info pertaining to the goings on of my life and maybe even a few new insights on life itself. Goodbye for now!

Please Bleed

The silence betrays me! A broken soundtrack for a broken man.

I sit with my face placed keenly between my knees, pleading with the void for something more than this; for something more than me. I try hard to clothe my nakedness with noise, and as my heart beats below the six strings of this empty wooden box, they ring true with a knowledge beyond their comprehension: I am alone.

You sit in a lone chair with your pride wrapped tightly in your fist, and that knowing look of ignorance in your glazed eyes. If only you could realize what you’ve done, maybe their would be some kind of future, but no.
All around you the world crumbles and you smile ignorantly. And one by one the firing squad takes out those that you claim to love, but still your eyes are closed. The gun is in your hand.

This is the age of the artificial man, and you are the example of it’s fruit: a boy who stairs over the cliff at the vast oblivion not realizing that one more step would introduce him to his ultimate demise. You are no man at all; you’re just a scared little boy running from the dark.

You are fake! You are wrong! You are a coward! and I am your son.

My Part

When asked I would have to say, “disenchanted”.

In a world controlled by the population vote, in a world where right and wrong are unyielding and misunderstood, in a world where the poor go hungry and the rich roam free: Disenchanted.

There are a few laws by which this world turns, and one of those laws I have a great personal interest in.

Knowledge is power.

We hear it everyday and never question it’s servitude, we hear it and believe, but never really think of it’s repercussions. Knowledge is power, my friends, merely because without it we are not propelled into any form of action. Knowledge is power, and half of the world is ignorant.

From the unspeakable in Darfur to the AIDS epidemic in Africa to the Homeless living right here on the streets of my home town I am responsible. Knowledge is not only power but it is responsibility; responsibility to act.

The pain inflicted upon these people is enough to cause one to deny the very existence of that pain, but to deny the pain is to deny the hope. We must speak of the unspeakable and we must act accordingly. To deny pain simply because it is painful is to disconnect ourselves from humanity, and that, my friends, is a greater loss than I am willing to bear.

In a world where men deny the pain of reality and claim themselves invincible: Disenchanted.

I swear to you, whoever you may be, that I will not live my life denying any man the respect and dignity that he deserves. This life will cause me great pain, I am sure, but a greater pain, a disconnection of all brothers and sisters from one another, will be soon to follow if more do not stand and act upon that which they know to be true: We are in this together, and no man is greater than another.

In a world where one can save the lives of many, and chooses to think only of himself…

iPod Troubles

Wow, it’s been a while since my last post, like a really long time.
I guess there’s just not a lot happening in my life at the moment.

But, there is this one thing…

About two hours ago my iPod stopped working. It was in the my jacket’s pocket and I took it out to listen to Damien Rice’s “O” album and it just shows me this freakin sad looking iPod graphic. It was working just a couple of hours before that, but now, for some reason it has just decided to quit. I have tried restarting it, and restoring it is out of the picture because my computer won’t even recognize it as a disk, so… Luckily it is still under warranty seeing as how I have only owned it for about ten months, so I should be able to get something done about it, but in order to get it serviced I think I’ll have to make my way to an apple store, the closest of which is about three hours away.

This is the price we pay for technology… frustration.


I just talked to an apple rep and because it has been longer than 180 days since I bought the iPod I have to pay for shipping and handling which amounts to somewhere around $32. I guess it could be worse, but when you pay $400 for something you just kinda expect it to work.


Alright so it started out with a sore throat and evolved into something worse like a head/stomach/nose/throat thing and it’s not my favorite thing in the world. I actually kinda don’t like it.

But I got this idea when I was trying to find a way to pass the time and decided to ask you guys what your favorite “sick day” movies are.

So far I’ve watched Robin Hood (the disney version) and iRobot, and I intend to watch The Princess Bride after all it was designed to you feel better when your sick.

SO if you would please post some movie ideas. Thanks